Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

Christmas Humor

April 6, 2009

“Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and earlier every year?  For example, all those decorations up on 5th Avenue – those are for next year.” –Dave Letterman —

“I bought my Christmas tree today.  I think I made a mistake though.  I bought the three year extended warranty.  I don’t think I need that.” –Jay Leno —

Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs were written by Jews.  Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.

Christmas Joke

March 27, 2009

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on
the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from
the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he
could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all
about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There
wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on
camels had to deliver all the toys!

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t
there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to
find their way around!”

Christmas Reindeer Jokes

December 20, 2008

Reindeer Jokes:
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

Christmas Santa Joke

December 18, 2008

How to Confuse Santa:

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Psychiatric Christmas Carols

November 16, 2008

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Source: Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:  Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:  I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:  Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:  Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and .  .  .

PARANOID:  Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:  You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:  Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is
Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ……..  (better start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:  On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Real Christmas Carols

Christmas Jokes – Scrooge

November 6, 2008

Christmas Jokes – YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF

– Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
– You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
– You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
– Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
– Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
– Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
– You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
– You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
– Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
– Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
– Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
– You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
– Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
– You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
– Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
– Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
– Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Funny Quotes

New Year’s Wish

October 10, 2008

New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Judy stood up at the local pub and said that
it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost
crushed to death.

Christmas Jokes – Rudolph Gets Even

October 7, 2008

Rudolph Gets Even

“All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names….”

….until he got Dasher’s liquor license at the Velvet Antler sports bar
suspended.

….and levied a $7.5 billion fine against Dancer Enterprises for war
profiteering.

….and revealed that Prancer was snorting meth while hooking up with a gay
reindeer prostitute for “massages.”

….and shut down Vixen Industries for multiple OSHA violations.

….and redirected subsidies for Comet’s offshore oil drilling operation to
Frosty’s wind farm.

….and nailed Cupid for tax evasion.

….and sent Donder to the big house for insider trading.

….and trounced Republican incumbent Blitzen in the midterm election.

WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!?!?

Christmas Jokes

Funny Jokes

Christmas Jokes – Uses For Christmas Fruitcakes

September 7, 2008

Uses For Christmas Fruitcake

1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.

2. Give them to your son for a science project

3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making it’s rounds every year.

4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5. Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.

6. Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.

8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.

9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.

10. Last and probably least, try eating it! Hey! It’s one way to get rid of it!

Christmas Jokes
Joke of the Day

Yule Log Joke

March 28, 2008

“You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know,

the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable net-

works is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can

see with absolute clarity that you have no life.” –Jay Leno