Posts Tagged ‘Funny Jokes’

Christmas Joke of the Day

December 25, 2008

Optimist vs. Pessimist Christmas

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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Christmas Holiday Cheer Joke

December 24, 2008

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

Christmas Holiday Joke

December 23, 2008

Christmas Card problem solved!

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that
shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he
decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them
early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was
only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very
few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study,
intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had
happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that
he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to
find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the
cards.

Christmas Addicted to the Web Joke

December 22, 2008

Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

Holiday Joke – A Car for Christmas

December 21, 2008

A Car For Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away.  ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do.  If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies.  Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’  ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’

Christmas Reindeer Jokes

December 20, 2008

Reindeer Jokes:
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

Short Christmas Jokes

December 19, 2008

Christmas Q & A’s

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Christmas Santa Joke

December 18, 2008

How to Confuse Santa:

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Christmas Jokes

December 12, 2008

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
– When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker.
– A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
– A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ’em that big!”
– Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
– It always smells fresh as a forest.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
– You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
– When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Chirstmas Jokes

December 11, 2008

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
– A Christmas tree is always erect.
– Even small ones give satisfaction.
– A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
– A Christmas tree always looks good – even when it’s lit.
– A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
– A Christmas tree has cute balls.
– You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
– You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
– You only have to feed/water it once a week.
– It’s always there to light up your life.
– It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
– It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
– If it needles you, you can toss it out.
– It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.