Posts Tagged ‘Christmas Joke’

Funny Christmas Joke

May 25, 2009

The Politically Correct 12 Days Of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Funny Christmas Chanukah Joke

May 15, 2009

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10.  There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8.  No need to clean the chimney.
7.  There’s no latke-nog.
6.  Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5.  You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4.  You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3.  No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…

1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Funny Christmas Eggnog Joke

May 10, 2009

Your Eggnog’s Too Strong

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

Funny Christmas Jokes

May 5, 2009

The Christmas that [Bill] O’Reilly and his allies are promoting,
one closely aligned with retailers, with a smack-down attitude
toward non-observers – fits with their campaign to make America
more like a theocracy, with Christian displays on public property
and Christian prayer in public schools. It does not, however,
appear to be catching on with the public.  That may be because
most Americans do not recognize this commercialized, mean-
spirited Christmas as their own. Of course, it’s not even clear
the campaign’s leaders really believe in it. Just a few days ago,
Fox News’s online store was promoting its “Holiday Collection”
for shoppers. Among the items offered to put under a “holiday
tree” was “The O’Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament.”  After the
bloggers pointed this out, Fox changed the “holidays” to “Christmases.”

John Lennon & Yoko Ono

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear


“When a big corporation cuts thousands of jobs in order
to maximize share prices, or dump poisons into the water
table and kills people, it’s just the invisible hand of the
marketplace…. But when a big corporation decides to say
“Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” in order
to keep their non-Christian customers, WHOA! the knives
come out, the disingenuous whining from a privileged
majority starts and it’s deemed PERSECUTION.”

If you want to hear “Merry Christmas,” why not visit
a church instead of a store?

Funny Christmas Jokes

April 30, 2009

“Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and
earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on
5th Avenue – those are for next year.”   –Dave Letterman

“I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake
though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don’t
think I need that.”   –Jay Leno

Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs
were written by Jews. Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and
Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.

Funny Christmas Joke

April 25, 2009

Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.

His wife is a relative Clause.

His children are dependent Clauses.

Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.

Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

Christmas Joke

April 20, 2009

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn’t afford
tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of
their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus
or General Electric.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed
in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It
came upon a midnight clear.”

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids
dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in
Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit
is on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts,
not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little bigger!

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance
Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit
cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they
have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-
wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he’d
know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn’t have a Christmas tree, we had
a Christmas stump.

Christmas Joke

March 20, 2009

A Drunk’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name
“On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain’t got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we’ve still got a long haul!”
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
“Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!”

Christmas Joke

March 6, 2009

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house….stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!”

Christmas Joke of the Day

December 25, 2008

Optimist vs. Pessimist Christmas

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”