Archive for the ‘Silly Jokes’ Category

Tequila Christmas Cookies

January 25, 2008

Tequila Christmas cookies

 BE SURE TO READ IT ALL – THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!!

 Tequila Christmas Cookies:

 1 cup of water

 1 tsp. baking soda

 1 cup of sugar

 1 tsp. salt

 1 cup of brown sugar

 1 tbsp. lemon juice

 4 large eggs

 1 cup nuts

 2 cups of dried fruit

 1 bottle tequila

 Sample the tequila in a large glass to check quality.

 Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of
 the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

 Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

 Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 At this point, it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so,
 try another
 cup.

 Turn off the mixerer thingy.

 Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.

 Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
 pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

 Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila.

 Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 Add one table.

 Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

 Greash the oven.

 Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

 Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

 Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to

 put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

 CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

More Christmas Cookie Recipes

The Virgin

December 22, 2007

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,

 “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

Four Stages of Life

December 22, 2007
Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

Four Stages of Life, Santa Claus, Christmas, jokes, humor, funny, funny jokes, Christmas Jokes

Twelve Things You Probably Didn’t Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake

December 20, 2007

This seems to be appropriate for all three Christmas Blogs we have here.  As long as we add an actual fruitcake recipe, this should be appropriate for Christmas Quotes, Christmas Recipes and Christmas Jokes.

And for the quotations lovers in the house here is a quote:

“Because I hate fruitcake.”
– Bonnie Napier – When asked why we had not posted any fruitcake recipes this year.

Twelve Things You Probably Didn’t Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake

1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won’t park on your lawn.

2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.) 3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

5. It’s colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

6. Carve the Presidents’ faces in it and submit as a science or art project.

7. Give one to your boss and tell him it’s a life preserver.

8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.

10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked “lawn fertilizer.”

11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.

12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.

Blonde – Christmas Trees

November 27, 2007

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods

searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with

hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m

chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s

decorated or not!”

Christmas Jokes – Stress

November 13, 2007

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Snowman

October 18, 2007

Q: What do you tell a stressed-out snowman?

A: Chill out!

A rabbit for Christmas

October 16, 2007

YEAR AFTER YEAR, Johnny asked for a rabbit for Christmas and was disappointed when he never got one. Finally, he surprised his mother and asked for a magic wand and magician’s hat. When asked why the change, Johnny replied, “So I can pull a rabbit out of the hat.”

What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift

July 28, 2007

Responses to “Special” Christmas Gifts

More Funny Jokes 
Hey! There’s a gift!

Well, well, well …

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don’t deserve this.

It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

Sayings

Christmas Jokes – Funny Jokes

December 25, 2006

Christmas Jokes – Funny Jokes

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him