Christmas Joke

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn’t afford
tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of
their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus
or General Electric.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed
in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It
came upon a midnight clear.”

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids
dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in
Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit
is on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts,
not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little bigger!

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance
Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit
cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they
have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-
wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he’d
know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn’t have a Christmas tree, we had
a Christmas stump.

Christmas Joke

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house….stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!”

Christmas Joke of the Day

Optimist vs. Pessimist Christmas

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Christmas Holiday Cheer Joke

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

Christmas Holiday Joke

Christmas Card problem solved!

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that
shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he
decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them
early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was
only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very
few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study,
intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had
happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that
he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to
find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the
cards.

Christmas Addicted to the Web Joke

Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

Holiday Joke – A Car for Christmas

A Car For Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away.  ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do.  If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies.  Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’  ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’

Short Christmas Jokes

Christmas Q & A’s

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Christmas Jokes

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
– When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker.
– A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
– A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ’em that big!”
– Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
– It always smells fresh as a forest.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
– You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
– When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Chirstmas Jokes

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
– A Christmas tree is always erect.
– Even small ones give satisfaction.
– A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
– A Christmas tree always looks good – even when it’s lit.
– A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
– A Christmas tree has cute balls.
– You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
– You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
– A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
– You only have to feed/water it once a week.
– It’s always there to light up your life.
– It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
– It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
– If it needles you, you can toss it out.
– It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.