I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…

1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

—
“When a big corporation cuts thousands of jobs in order
to maximize share prices, or dump poisons into the water
table and kills people, it’s just the invisible hand of the
marketplace…. But when a big corporation decides to say
“Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” in order
to keep their non-Christian customers, WHOA! the knives
come out, the disingenuous whining from a privileged
majority starts and it’s deemed PERSECUTION.”
—
If you want to hear “Merry Christmas,” why not visit
a church instead of a store?

His wife is a relative Clause.

His children are dependent Clauses.

Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.

Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of
their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus
or General Electric.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed
in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It
came upon a midnight clear.”

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids
dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in
Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit
is on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts,
not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little bigger!

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance
Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit
cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they
have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-
wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he’d
know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn’t have a Christmas tree, we had
a Christmas stump.

“I bought my Christmas tree today.  I think I made a mistake though.  I bought the three year extended warranty.  I don’t think I need that.” –Jay Leno —

Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs were written by Jews.  Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all
about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There
wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on
camels had to deliver all the toys!

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t
there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to
find their way around!”