Christmas Jokes – Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my

two children on demand, visited their doctor’s office more than my

doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant

a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to

attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with

staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,

since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the

back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who

knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes: I’d like a pair of legs that don’t

ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,

which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but

are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy

aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost

mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with

fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult

music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing

talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment

behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the

phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that

says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one

potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of

jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “Don’t eat

in the living room”, “Take your shoes off the couch,” and ‘Take

your hands off your brother/sister,” because my voice seems to be

just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by

the dog.

And please don’t forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking

stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three

fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet

making the In-laws’ house seem just like mine.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for

enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same

morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature

without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to

brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to

declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience

immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to

help around the house without demanding payment as if they were

the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t

look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in

his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my

feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the

chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch

cold. Help yourself to cookies and trifle on the table, but don’t eat too

much or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

Mom

PS One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep

my children young enough to believe in you.

1 Comment »

  1. 1
    Michele Says:

    Hi there i thought the Dear Santa Letter was soooooo cute . I injoyed it very much ..and passed it on to my friends .Thanks for a good laugh and its all sooooo true too . lol Have a great day ! :o)


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