Christmas Jokes weblog - Jokes for Christmas
“You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know,
the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable net-
works is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can
see with absolute clarity that you have no life.” –Jay Leno
I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend
in Christmas cards this year are ‘DVD cards’ - instead of a
letter about your family and what you did this year, you put
your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting,
you know why? They make great coasters. –Jay Leno
A gift this week from a friend was wrapped in
thick blue paper with this printed statement
repeated in a pattern all over the gift wrap …
Have a Satisfactory
Non-Denominational
Capitalist Wintertime
Gift-Giving Season
Tequila Christmas cookies
BE SURE TO READ IT ALL - THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!!
Tequila Christmas Cookies:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp. lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle tequila
Sample the tequila in a large glass to check quality.
Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so,
try another
cup.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to
put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
“This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way.”
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
Source: Don’t Be Rushed For Christmas
Christmas Jokes - Christmas Humor
TWO BROTHERS were walking home from Sunday school, each deep in his own thoughts, finally, one boy said, “what do think about all that devil stuff we learned to day?”
The other replied thoughtfully, “Well you know how Santa Claus turned out!”
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,
”Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Funny Joke - Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a
Tennessean….
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus
a couple no one’s seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they
are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT and all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch”. There is only dinner and then
there is supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you’re two.
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time
it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
More about Tennesseans….
You know you’re from Tennessee if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
6. You know what a “VOL” is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
12. You find 100 degrees fahrenheit “a little warm”.
13. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer
and Christmas.
14. You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west or middle
Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as”goin’ Wal-martin” or
off to “Wally World”.
16. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean weather.
17. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
18. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Tennessee (and those who just wish they were).
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